I don’t watch a lot of television. In fact, back when S.D. and I first began talking about moving in together we decided that we weren’t going to bother setting up a television with cable. Instead, we have a Wii and we have a DVD player and we are quite content with our set up.

For S.D. this was not much of a change. He almost never watched television. Instead, he occupied his time with the internet, gaming, drawing his own comic…For me however, this was a bit of a change…although I had originally claimed not to watch much television…once I was without, I realized just how much I had previously depended on it. I got most of my news from television, when I was alone I depended on it as background noise, and I just never noticed how much mindless hours I had spent sitting in front of it watching shows that although I found interesting…weren’t all that important.

Without television, I find myself not missing it. I’ll admit that I haven’t totally given up television. I still own the entire series of Gilmore Girls…the first few seasons of Big Bang Theory…and I still have a somewhat sizable queue of favorited shows on Hulu and Amazon Prime but when I don’t have any new shows on there to watch…I don’t watch anything except for a movie or two over the weekend.

I like it. In fact, I love it and I don’t think I’ll ever go back to having television. It’s kind of liberating not to have a television beckoning you. Instead I read. Last year I read over 100 books…many over the months when I didn’t have television to distract me. I also find myself finding my news from other places…if it seems important enough. At times I feel a little guilty for not paying close attention to the news…but honestly, it feels kind of liberating not to get too bogged down by it. I pay attention to Twitter. When the important stuff happens, I know about it. I’m just not glued to the morning news like I was before.

And well, not having television does make watching television into a treat. I have a television at work, so on the two days I stay over night I can treat myself to watching a rerun of Big Bang Theory or Seinfeld. When I visit my parents, it’s something to do in the morning before everyone else wakes up (as I never can sleep in when I’m there)…and when S.D. and I go on vacation…it’s definitely nice to curl up in bed at the end of the night with a glass of wine and the remote.

If someone were to describe me, they would probably say something like: “not that strange, really, just slightly odd.”

I’m okay with this. In fact, I think that I’d be kind of flattered if I overheard someone say that about myself.

Yes. I do realize that it’s rather odd to be happy to be described as odd but honestly…I would be more upset if someone described me as being perfectly normal…because for me, normal is boring. Almost everyone is normal so it’s nice to have some kind of quirks that other people would find distinct enough to keep me out of the normal characterization.

And so I wear my oddness as a badge.

“That’s not okay.”

Over and over I heard those words tumble around in my head.

“That’s not okay.”

Still, I couldn’t help but break the rules.

“That’s not okay.”

As I walked through the produce aisle I swiped an apple. I wasn’t hungry, or poor but I polished it and casually ate it as I walked up and down the aisle of the grocery store as I completed my shopping list. When I finished the apple, I shoved the core behind the rows of canned vegetables.

“That’s not okay.”

I heard the voice again as I lied to my husband about the new dress I had bought. I told him that it was cheap, that I had avoiding using the credit card by paying cash. The truth was, I hadn’t paid anything for it, cash or credit. My husband looked at the dress and then looked back at me. I could tell by the odd look on his face that he did not believe me…

“That’s not okay.”

That’s not okay.”

That’s not okay.”

The voice kept repeating itself over and over again as I tried to sleep. I tossed and turned and eventually left my bed to pad downstairs to the living room. I flipped on the t.v. to hear the words, “That’s not okay.”

I panicked, sure that the judge from all those years ago was sitting in my living room, speaking those words. I wildly looked around the room, even getting off the couch to peer behind the couch, behind the lounge chair that my husband favored.

I was alone, but I wasn’t. The voice was following me, haunting me. Somehow he knew that I had relapsed. That I was back to my old habit of stealing. He didn’t believe me before, didn’t believe that I didn’t consciously steal…that when I’d come home from a shopping trip, or a visit a friend’s house, or even church….and find items in my pockets, underneath my clothing, stuffed in the bottom of my purse…and I’d have no idea why I had them, where they had come from. I had served 8 months for my unconscious stealing, had spent twice as long seeing a therapist which had been helping…

Until it started up again and I had no idea how to stop it…

I’ve been at my job for three weeks now, and my primary impression is that I love it. I really, truly love it.  It’s not perfect there, as the site I’m working at is going through a lot of staff changes things are in a state of disorder and disorganization but I’m okay with it. I’m just truly enjoying myself, enjoying learning my new position and best of all, getting to know the people I serve.

As I started writing this, I realized that I have been working with people with developmental disabilities off and on for ten years now…with four different agencies. Up until now, for the most part, work was just a paycheck for me. Sure, I always enjoyed those bonding moments I had with the individuals I was serving…but I never actually enjoyed getting out of bed to go to work. There was just too much about each job that I didn’t enjoy…that clouded my job satisfaction. But this job is different. In three weeks I’ve found that I’ve wanted to go to work and give 100% of myself while I was there…and best yet, I feel as though I am appreciated, liked, and respected…characteristics I never felt at my last job. 

It is such a relief to not be miserable and tired all the time. For the seven months I was at my last job, this was how I felt…almost 24/7. I hated being at work and when I wasn’t working, I dreaded going back to work. It was not a good place to be, mentally. It was not a good place to be in regards to my relationship with SD. I think if I had stayed there much longer, I would have became completely unhinged. I’m not saying that to sound dramatic, it’s honestly how I felt.

I am feeling so grateful right now. I am full of love.

S.D. and I are settling into our bee apartment quite nicely…there was a few setbacks and we are without Internet until Thursday but we are managing.

I start my new job on Tuesday, until then I’m enjoying having some time off to settle into the new place and have some fun…and adjusting to being awake during normal hours.

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Tomorrow morning I have a meeting with HR for the job I am pursuing. I managed to go through all three interviews and now all that’s left is a background check and to get fingerprinted tomorrow. So as long as I haven’t committed a crime while sleeping…I’ll be putting in my two weeks notice very soon. Preferably on Monday. While we’re no longer doing mandatory overtime we had management changes for the worst so the new job can’t come at a better time. So fingers crossed that all goes as planned. 

The other major change is that we will be moving…still in the same town, just down the road. Unlike the job that I’ve spent the last two months pursuing…we only found out about the apartment yesterday. We checked it out and after some consideration we decided to go for the new apartment. Although the new apartment does have a few downsides (the bathroom needs work and is smaller, it’s up a long flight of stairs)…the upsides are better. It’s bigger, lots of windows which gives the apartment a ton of natural light. We’re no longer located on the main road or any high traffic parking lot, the view is amazing…it looks out over the river and we’re right next to a genuine covered bridge. The landlord is totally cool with cats and the new place is only $25 more a month than what we’re paying now…and what we’re playing now is insanely cheap. So the decision was a no brainer. A little sudden but I was going completely crazy here and as I’ll be home more with this new job (and well, conscious) I knew we needed a change of scenery. 

On top of all this stuff…I bought myself a new toy. I found a refurbished Kindle Fire on Woot! last week. I wasn’t in the market but I have been wanting to replace my Kindle and the price was right…so I bought it and it came yesterday. I haven’t had a chance to play around with it too much aside from setting it up but that’s my plan for tonight unless I fall asleep…which considering the few hours of sleep I’ve had the last two days…entirely possible.

 

So just now Hemingway jumped up on the couch and settled down for some serious cuddling. As of late, he hasn’t been as cuddly so I figured it was him growing into adulthood (no, it’s too soon!) but for the moment…he seems content. And so am I.

It was a much better week. No word on the job I interviewed for (though, I waited over two weeks for the second interview) and I did get stuck at work on Monday for several extra hours (needlessly I might add) but at least I did not have to work a whole extra shift or anything like that. 

Last Saturday I did some spring cleaning. I cleaned the hell out of our bedroom and the living room. The kitchen and the bathroom could still use some deep cleaning, but I was very happy with all that I accomplished during the day. I worked from 11am-8pm and our apartment looked totally different. We now have an actual living room and our bedroom was actually restful. Of course the clutter is already creeping back but nothing a half hour of cleaning won’t cure…as opposed to a full day of cleaning.

I slept like crap this week. The cold/upper respiratory infection did a number on my lungs and I’ve been coughing like crazy these last two weeks (one of the reasons I spent all of last Saturday cleaning). I thought that I was okay, even only getting 4-5 hours of sleep but then yesterday I spent 18 out of 24 hours sleeping…so obviously my body was missing that sleep. I probably could have slept even more…but I had to get up to go to a staff meeting and run errands. After sleeping for so long, I felt really weird all morning but I’m going to chalk that up to not getting a chance to eat and being dehydrated. I did mean to get up early enough to have breakfast before the meeting but that snooze button was just too tempting…

Right now, for the first time in ages, I’m fully relaxed. I’ve spent the entire afternoon on the couch with a Stephen King novel (finally getting around to reading 11/22/63) and catching up on blogs. I’m on my second bottle of Woodchuck hard cider (totally my newest favorite adult beverage) and hubby is making me dinner tonight. Tomorrow we’re planning on heading to Binghamton to do a little thrift store shopping and hopefully see Jurassic Park 3-D which I’m entirely too excited about. 

Today, life is good.